HeWasn'tHerstoLose
This book has brought a rollercoaster emotional ride for me. This gut-wretchedly heartbreaking tragedy is like nothing I have ever read before.
The woman’s unconditional, unilateral, and eternal love for the author (Let us call them she and he in the following paragraphs) seems to be only a surreal and mythical thing to happen in the real world. This woman had devoted her whole life to loving him; however, he gave back only four nights of everyday flings, a few checks to drop her heart on the floor, and casually cruel, seemingly innocent forgetfulness that painted her life in deep, dark blue. But she loved him till the day of her mortality, or even evermore.
At the age of thirteen, all of her affection and, later on, love began upon hearing him as a famous writer. Her wall was down by just a single glance of him, and this glance turned into a million stolen stares. Here is the quote that touches me the most:
“I was never near you, and ever tense; but you were no more aware of the tension of the mainspring of the watch in your pocket, faithfully recording the hours for you, accompanying your footsteps with its unheard ticking, and vouchsafed only a hasty glance for one second among millions.”
She made sure nobody saw her and made the judas of her house a sacred place as he illuminated her whole world. Every step he took left a trace of shimmering gold; every word he said composed a piece of symphony.
He was the Sun, and she was the Moon that revolved around him forever. But the solar system is vast, isn’t it? There are eight planets that are bigger than the Moon, dozens of other moons, and millions of meteorites, also making him the centerfold of their stories. So, what can the Moon do? To live for the hope of it all. Cancel all her plans just in case he shows for a second in a million hours of her longing for him.
She endeavored to cover all her flaws, insecurities, passion, and craze. But loving him was a dwindling mercurial high. One second, she was on cloud nine because of how mesmerizing and hypnotizing it was for her every time he dwelled his charming eyes on her. One second later, she was six feet under because she knew how he did it so well on other women. It took her a long time to realize he was a womanizer. But she never gave up on the hope of it all. She believed that she was the only one for him. Her heart shattered into a million pieces, and every piece reflected him.
After two devastating years away from him, with her paralyzed in time while everybody was moving on, she took her exhilarating journey back to Vienna. She got frozen in time, but how was it supposed to be? She defrosted when she stood under the streetlight and watched his window with lights on. After a few deliberated meetings and all the silence and anticipation, pining and desperately waiting, she finally touched her dream. He was the blaze that burned every inch of her down, the wave that gently led her to drown. He soared out of her dreamscape, particle by particle, forming the king of her once disintegrated, now whole heart. She lived and died in these three nights, tangling in euphoria like he was her lifeline, floating on the sea of ecstasy, breathing him in like oxygen. He was what she lived for. He was the definition of her life. So, he broke her like his promise when he left her for a quote-unquoted trip. How easy it is to weave a lie? How easy it is to destroy someone?
She gave birth to their child. She maintained physical infidelity and mental fidelity. She was still living for the hope of it all. As she grew, however, she felt her feelings fading after millions of disappointments and unrecognition. Every time he unrecognized her, her heart shrunk time after time. Her impulse to scream, “Recognize me!” echoed so loud because nothing was left in her heart of hollowness. He showed her the colors she could not see with anyone else, while she still decided to be a colorblind forever and ever. It never occurred to her as a trouble because the whole world was black and white in her world of imagination, and they were in screaming colors.
But what did it mean? He couldn’t remember the years of a little girl with those burning pupils, couldn’t remember the three nights of an ingénue with the radiance that could only be seen in eighteen, couldn’t remember a night with an alluring woman asking him about the white roses. No, it was all champagne problems. She thought he would call it love, but he never did. She dragged her lifeless frame to witness his life was still splendid, even without her existence. She abandoned everything to stand there to watch the love of her life living a life without her. He kept her like a secret, maybe not even, but she kept him like an oath.
But he wasn’t her to lose, neither she was his to remember. He was an author well-known for his talent; she was a heartbreaking person who couldn’t even beg to be the footnote of his story of life. He was writing pages for a lot of other people but her. But if the story was over, why was she still writing pages for him? He flipped the pages, and a brand new journey awaited overleaf; she had one page stuck to another, imprisoned in time when she met him forever.
京公网安备 11010802032529号