说话前先铺垫未必是好事

A friend of mine recently started a conversation with these words: 'Don't take this the wrong way . . .'

不久，一位朋友在开始和我聊天时说了这么一句话：“别误会啊…”

I wish I could tell you what she said next. But I wasn't listening -- my brain had stalled. I was bracing for the sentence that would follow that phrase, which experience has taught me probably wouldn't be good.

我也希望我能告诉你她接下来说了什么，可是当时我没在听——我的大脑停止运转了。我在为它接下来的那句话做准备，经验告诉我那大概不会是什么好话。

Certain phrases just seem to creep into our daily speech. We hear them a few times and suddenly we find ourselves using them. We like the way they sound, and we may find they are useful. They may make it easier to say something difficult or buy us a few extra seconds to collect our next thought.

有些语句似乎悄悄潜入了我们日常的言语中。听了几次后，突然间我们就发现自己也在说那些话了。我们喜欢它们听上去的感觉，也许还发现它们很有用。它们可能会使难以启齿的话更容易说出口，或者为我们多赢得几秒钟时间去想想接下来的想法。

Yet for the listener, these phrases are confusing. They make it fairly impossible to understand, or even accurately hear, what the speaker is trying to say.

然而，对于听者而言，这些语句却让人迷惑不解。它们会让你无法理解甚至是无法准确地听到说话人要说的是什么。

Consider: 'I want you to know . . .' or 'I'm just saying . . .' or 'I hate to be the one to tell you this . . .' Often, these phrases imply the opposite of what the words mean, as with the phrase, 'I'm not saying . . .' as in 'I'm not saying we have to stop seeing each other, but . . .'

想想这些语句：“我想让你知道…”、“我只是说…”或者“我真不想由我来告诉你这件事…”。这些语句通常暗示出与它们表面意思相反的意味，好比“我并不是说我们不能再在一起了，可是…”中的“我并不是说…”。

Take this sentence: 'I want to say that your new haircut looks fabulous.' In one sense, it's true: The speaker does wish to tell you that your hair looks great. But does he or she really think it is so or just want to say it? It's unclear.

以“我想说，你的新发型太好看了”这句话为例。从某种意义上说，它是真话：说这句话的人确实想对你说你的新发型很好看。但是，他或她是真的觉得如此还是只是“想”这么说呢？这就不清楚了。

Language experts have textbook names for these phrases -- 'performatives, ' or 'qualifiers.' Essentially, taken alone, they express a simple thought, such as 'I am writing to say . . .' At first, they seem harmless, formal, maybe even polite. But coming before another statement, they often signal that bad news, or even some dishonesty on the part of the speaker, will follow.

语言专家们对此类语句有规范的称呼——“施为句”或“修饰语”。单独来看的话，基本上它们表达的只是一个简单的想法，比如“我写这封信是想告诉你…”。乍一看来，它们似乎是无恶意、正式的，或许还是彬彬有礼的。不过假如它们出现在另一句话之前，它们往往就预示着接下来有坏消息，或者是说话方有些不真诚。

'Politeness is another word for deception, ' says James W. Pennebaker, chair of the psychology department of the University of Texas at Austin, who studies these phrases. 'The point is to formalize social relations so you don't have to reveal your true self.'

得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)心理学系系主任、研究此类语句的詹姆斯·W.·彭尼贝克(James W. Pennebaker)说：“礼貌是欺骗的另一种说法。它的目的是使社会关系正式化，这样一来你就不必暴露你的真实自我。”

In other words, 'if you're going to lie, it's a good way to do it -- because you're not really lying. So it softens the blow, ' Dr. Pennebaker says.

彭尼贝克博士称，换句话说，“如果你打算撒谎的话，它就是一个撒谎的好方法——因为你并不是真的在撒谎。它会缓和造成的打击。”

Of course, it's generally best not to lie, Dr. Pennebaker notes. But because these sayings so frequently signal untruth, they can be confusing even when used in a neutral context. No wonder they often lead to a breakdown in personal communications.

他还指出，当然一般说来最好还是不要撒谎。由于此类语句经常预示着谎言，所以即使用在中性语境中也会让人不解。难怪它们常常会导致个人交际发生中断了。

Some people refer to these phrases as 'tee-ups.' That is fitting. What do you do with a golf ball? You put it on a peg at the tee -- tee it up -- and then give it a giant wallop.

有些人把此类语句称作“击球准备”。这个说法很恰当。你拿着高尔夫球会做什么？你会把它放在球座的球钉上——也就是把球放好——然后对它猛地一击。

Betsy Schow says she felt like she was 'hit in the stomach by a cannonball' the day she was preparing to teach one of her first yoga classes. A good friend -- one she'd assumed had shown up to support her -- approached her while she was warming up. She was in the downward facing dog pose when she heard her friend say, 'I am only telling you this because I love you . . .'

今年32岁的贝齐·朔尔(Betsy Schow)是犹他州阿尔派恩(Alpine)的一名健身顾问。她说，在她准备教第一节瑜伽课的那一天，她感觉自己的“腹部遭到了炮弹打击”。一位好友——她之前以为朋友是去支持她的——在她热身时走到了她身旁。她在做下犬式动作时听到朋友对她说：“我是因为真心喜欢你才告诉你的…”。

The friend pointed out that lumps were showing beneath Ms. Schow's yoga clothes and said people laughed at her behind her back because they thought she wasn't fit enough to teach yoga. Ms. Schow had recently lost a lot of weight and written a book about it. She says the woman also mentioned that Ms. Schow's friends felt she was 'acting better than they were.' Then the woman offered up the name of a doctor who specializes in liposuction. 'Hearing that made me feel sick, ' says Ms. Schow, a 32-year-old fitness consultant in Alpine, Utah. 'Later, I realized that her 'help' was no help at all.'

那位朋友说，她的赘肉在瑜伽服下都鼓出来了，大家都在背后笑她，因为她们觉得她要教瑜伽的话身材还不够格。在那之前朔尔已经减掉不少体重，并就此写了一本书。她说那位朋友还提到她的朋友们都觉得她“比她们以前做得更好”。后来那个人还提供了一名专门从事抽脂手术的医生的电话。朔尔说：“听到那句话让我觉得恶心。后来，我意识到她的‘帮助’根本就不是帮助。”

Tee-ups have probably been around as long as language, experts say. They seem to be used with equal frequency by men and women, although there aren't major studies of the issue. Their use may be increasing as a result of social media, where people use phrases such as 'I am thinking that . . .' or 'As far as I know . . .' both to avoid committing to a definitive position and to manage the impression they make in print.

专家们说，客套铺垫话出现的时间可能和语言本身一样长。男性与女性使用它们的频率似乎相同，但是针对该问题还没有出现大规模的研究。由于社交媒体的出现，它们的使用频率可能有所提高，因为人们常在社交媒体上使用诸如“我觉得…”或“就我所知…”之类的语句，这么做既是为了避免陷入绝对立场，也为了控制自己书面文字给人留下的印象。

'Awareness about image management is increased any time people put things into print, such as in email or on social networks, ' says Jessica Moore, department chair and assistant professor at the College of Communication at Butler University, Indianapolis. 'Thus people often make caveats to their statements that function as a substitute for vocalized hedges.' And people do this hedging -- whether in writing or in speech -- largely unconsciously, Dr. Pennebaker says. 'We are emotionally distancing ourselves from our statement, without even knowing it, ' he says.

印第安纳波利斯巴特勒大学(Butler University)传播学院系主任、助理教授杰茜卡·穆尔(Jessica Moore)说：“在人们想把所说的话付诸成文，比如在电子邮件中或社交网络上写出来的时候，有关形象管理的意识就会增强。因此大家常常会给他们所说的话做些防止误解的说明，把它当作口头模糊限制语的替代语。”彭尼贝克博士指出，无论是在书面语还是口头语中，人们基本上都是在不自觉地做模糊处理。他说：“当我们从情感上把自己和自己所说的话区分开来时，我们自己都没意识到。”

So, if tee-ups are damaging our relationships, yet we often don't even know we're using them, what can we do? Start by trying to be more aware of what you are saying. Tee-ups should serve as yellow lights. If you are about to utter one, slow down. Proceed with caution. Think about what you are about to say.

因此，如果客套铺垫话会破坏我们的社会关系，而我们往往又不知道自己在使用它们，我们该怎么办呢？一开始可以先尝试多加注意自己所说的话。客套铺垫话应当成为你说话时的“黄灯”，这时候如果你要说话，要先缓一缓，要小心继续。考虑一下你接下去要说什么。

'If you are feeling a need to use them a lot, then perhaps you should consider the possibility that you are saying too many unpleasant things to or about other people, ' says Ellen Jovin, co-founder of Syntaxis, a communication-skills training firm in New York. She considers some tee-up phrases to be worse than others. 'Don't take this the wrong way . . .' is 'ungracious, ' she says. 'It is a doomed attempt to evade the consequences of a comment.'

纽约交际能力训练机构Syntaxis的联合创始人埃伦·若万(Ellen Jovin)说：“如果你觉得有必要经常使用它们，那么你应该考虑一下你是不是可能对别人讲了太多或讲了太多关于别人的令人不快的事情。”在她看来，某些客套铺垫话比其他的更糟糕。她说，说“别误会…”是“不礼貌的”。她说：“试图用它来规避评论的后果，注定会失败。”。

Her advice is either to abort your speaking mission and think about whether what you wanted to say is something you should say, or to say what you want to say without using the phrase. 'Eliminating it will automatically force you to find other more productive ways to be diplomatic, ' Ms. Jovin says.

若万建议，要么你就中止谈话，想想你想说的话是否是你应该说的，或者是不是要避免使用那些语句来说出你想说的话。她说：“弃用那些语句会自动迫使你去寻找更有效的委婉说话方式。”

'To be perfectly honest . . .' is another phrase to strike from your speech, she says. It often prefaces negative comments, and can seem condescending. It signals a larger issue: If you are taking the trouble to announce your honesty now, maybe you aren't always truthful.

她还说，“说大实话…”也是一句能伤人的话。它的后面经常会出现负面评价，而且会显得居高临下。

'You are more likely to seem like someone who is perfectly honest when you are no longer commenting on it, ' Ms. Jovin says.

它还表明了一个更大的问题：现在你大费周章地来宣告你的诚实，那说明你或许不是一个一直都诚实的人。